


You're So Bright

by Sasarious



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, This is terrible, cutting tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-10 19:15:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3300590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasarious/pseuds/Sasarious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua can't handle all this stress. He's falling into a slow cycle of insanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're So Bright

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah this is my second HxH fic. It's a oneshot so, eh but please be warned that there is cutting in this, though it doesn't say it outright. 
> 
> I repeat: cutting TW

Killua couldn't catch up to Gon. He stood in Gon's shadow, his dazzling smile could be seen kilometers away. He didn't mind it, he was content with this relationship. They were still best friends and that's all that mattered to Killua. Being Gon's friend and support.

Killua blamed himself for many things. Not being able to save Kite was among the list. Not noticing Illumi's needle was a minor but stupid thing. But making Gon upset was written in big fat letters on his list. All because he couldn't save Kite. No, he abandoned Kite. Killua abandoned Kite because he assumed the enemy was too strong.  
What would Gon do? Gon would've tried everything to save Kite, which included throwing his life away. Killua knew Gon all too well. Sometimes he heard the sniffling of Gon next to him. Sometimes heard the screams of his nightmares. Sometimes Killua couldn't sleep because he was worried about all his choices up until now. Were they right? Did Illumi's needle influence his thoughts?

Sometimes Killua drowned in nightmares.

* * *  
They had gotten Kite back. But the effort proved fruitless when they saw his condition. Gon believed. Killua didn't. He was stuck in the same spot while Gon moved forward. Each hit Gon took physically blew Killua mentally. Did he make the right decision? Did he have a right to stay with Gon? To help save Kite?

Everything crumpled away.

* * *  
Killua fell into discord. Nothing seemed right, everything seemed wrong. He put on a mask, a skill he was very good at. Gon didn't notice. Maybe it was because he too put on a facade. Maybe it was because they weren't on the same level. Maybe it was because Gon was so bright Killua disappeared in his presence. Because he hid in the shadows. Because he was a shadow.

Gon's Jajanken glowed with a dark undertone. Killua walked up to him slowly, each step he could feel himself slipping down. Down into a sticky depth that he couldn't free himself from. The hand he placed on Gon's shoulder melted and disappeared. He couldn't reach him. Yet Gon stopped, the menacing bloodlust disappeared yet it lingered.

"Thank you, Killua. I was seriously about to kill him," Gon joked, his cheerful self surfaced. _Lies. Everything is a lie. You're not happy. I'm the reason for this. I caused this. Don't thank me. Please. ___

_I can't breathe. ___

* * *

Maybe it was because they were going back soon. The nightmares increased and Killua woke up by silent screams, sweat clung to his body and clothes. He couldn't really see anymore. Just distorted, wavy colours and he was pitch black. The clock read 3:56am and Killua lay in bed, swimming in an endless abyss of his own thoughts.

More like drowning.

* * *

Maybe it was because he couldn’t see himself. Maybe that was why he couldn’t feel his nails sharpen or the pain of accidentally tearing his skin apart. He noticed that red came from the cut. Killua didn’t know why but he was mesmerised by the red. 

His own pool  
of.  
red. 

He couldn’t understand why he loved the liquid rolling down his cold skin, or why Gon and the other’s freaked out when they saw him. But Killua learnt something knew about himself.

Red stood out on black

* * *

He was so dirty. So impure, so disgusting and foul. Gon was so clean, so so clean. It was his fault that he got tainted. Everything was his fault. "Leave it to me," he smirked. He couldn't dirty Gon anymore. He'd do everything in the shadows. Like he always did. They went their separate ways. Gon looked forward with determination. Killua slinked in the background.  
He wasn't even with them anymore.

* * *

He'd faced death many time before, but not this close. Red stands out on black. He was lying in his own personal pool of life. Killua's limbs grew as heavy as lead; it was so hard to control them. _Gon... I'm sorry I wasn't any help..._ It was his fault again. But this way Gon didn't need to see him again. He didn't even need him anymore anyway.

His new friend picked him up. Not by much but it was something.

* * *

He saw clearly again. It was so weird to see everything clear and his pale skin. There were prominent cuts on his arms and legs but he ignored them. Killua called Gon to tell him to transfer some money.

"Killua!" The other yelled excitedly into the phone. Gon was worried about Killua, after not hearing from him in more than three days. Everything seemed like it was in balance again.

But has fate ever been kind to Killua?

* * *

"Let's go, Killua." Gon leapt to the remains of the building. Killua followed, his vision was disappearing again. Did you mean that as a teammate or friend? No, I can't ask him that.

What Killua saw surprised him, it stirred the raging beast within Gon. Pitou, the one who toyed with Kite, was healing an injured girl. Gon's bloodlust grew, flames burst within him and anger blinded him.

Is that even Gon? Killua couldn't tell up from down again but he kept sinking.

* * *

"Since this means nothing to you." Killua did everything in his power to not break down. Not in front of Gon, not in front of anyone else. Everything shattered; the walls were filled with cracks and they fell slowly, one by one. It left Killua staring into an empty void with Gon and Pitou in front.

Where was he?

* * *

He left Gon. He had to. He failed as a friend and support. He failed as Gon's friend. Did he even have a right to call himself that? He remembered his promise with his father. Don't ever betray your friends.

Well wasn't that too late.

* * *

He raced through the void. His objective was to get to Gon and aid him. Pitou was a strong opponent, he was worried about Gon. An eery air hugged everything within the forest. It did little to help settle Killua's racing heart. It was a race against time.

Please let me make it in time.

* * *

Pitou's body rose up; it's face smashed and bloody. Gon stood there, blue blood dripping down his arm, tears streaming down his face. Killua rushes towards him, arms outstretched.

He didn't make it in time.

* * *

Killua listened to a rhythmic beep; the strong smell of antiseptics hardly affected him. He had a plan to save Gon. He would be the one to save Gon, there was no exception. "I'll make you apologise."

I don't

* * *

Everything was a mess. Alluka was now the light that guided him. His sister saved him, at least for a while. Illumi was trying to kill Alluka, but Killua won't let him. He will protect his little sister no matter what it took. No matter what the cost.

Because all Killua needs is

* * *

Killua, Alluka and Gon stood near the base of the World Tree.

"Well I guess this is goodbye then," don't go

"Yeah I guess it is," no it isn't

"It's kinda sad that I'm not number 1 anymore," you are you still are please stay here

"Who's fault is that?" mine, it's mine please don't leave.

The two boys turned around, Gon's smile faded, Killua himself faded. They both knew it would be a long time before they met again. Alluka was number 1 (2) and Gon was number 2 (1).

Killua was never on the list.

He couldn't see or feel anything. He didn't care.

Gon was gone.

He was

**Author's Note:**

> This has not been beta read, I'm sorry.


End file.
